The Chart

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a friend when the subject of lying came up. I can’t remember what the context of the conversation was but I remember telling him that I do not lie and haven’t done so for many years now. One might have assumed I don’t because I think lying is wrong but that wasn’t my reason. I do think it is wrong but primarily why I do not lie anymore is because of the difficulty of keeping up the lie. How embarrassing it would be to be caught in a lie sometime in the future. My friend then brought up a mock situation, a friend asks you what you thought of their hair or what they were wearing and you didn’t like it, what would you say?

Initially, I thought my friend had trapped me. I don’t consider myself a mean person so I am unlikely to say I hated it and thus hurt their feelings but then I thought about it, and I do not think I would lie in this case. I am not big into style. I can tell you what I think looks good but I cannot tell you what I think looks bad. In the latter situation all that means is I don’t care one way or the other about the person’s appearance. I probably would respond, ‘Its okay,’ and that would be the truth. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either. So here I didn’t lie, I told the truth.

Other situations where people are prone to lying are on resumes, interviews, first dates/impressions, or to loved ones. Personally, I don’t condone and would like to think I haven’t lied in any of these situations (at least I don’t remember or if I did lie, I made sure to confess soon after) in recent years. I don’t like on resumes or interviews because in order for me to feel I am qualified for the position, I have to believe the interviewer believes I am. If I lie, the interviewer would only hire me based on the lie and not on my true credentials. It might be understood that people do embellish a bit on their resumes or even during job interviews but I don’t. It might give me a better chance of getting the job but it won’t give me peace of mind.

I don’t lie to people whether it is a woman I am interested in, a friend, or family members. The simple reason is I will likely see these people again. What happens if the subject of my lie comes up but I don’t remember how I responded? That’s where telling the truth pays off because regardless of the question, the truth will always remain the same. What about if I am interested in a woman, wouldn’t I want to impress her? My answer to that question is if I really do like her, I want her to accept me for what I am and not the lie I have created. As cheesy as it may sound it’s unfair to her and unfair to me as well.

My friend and I went back and forth about the merits of lying and the crux of his argument was that lying overall isn’t good but there are times when a lie is appropriate in order to spare someone’s feelings. I can understand his argument but what I can’t do is think of a situation where it could be applied. The problem with lying to someone to spare their feelings is your doing so based on your impressions of the possible benefits of the lie. Take for instance the original scenario my friend came up with. Telling someone that their hair looks good might provide them with temporary euphoria but what happens if someone else in the near future says otherwise? Even worse, what happens if several people say otherwise? While you may not have hurt their feelings initially, you failed to prepare them for the possibility that people may react negatively to their new haircut. If you were honest in the first place, yes, they might not have appreciated your negativity but if others do comment and say something similar, their comments probably wouldn’t have stung as much. Also, being honest in this situation does not equate with being mean.

Lying to someone to spare their feelings doesn’t mean the truth will hurt their feelings. Let’s continue with the hair example. If I said, ‘Your hairstyle is unique,’ I think the person would understand that I am not a fan but I don’t necessarily hate it (which as I mentioned before is the truth because when it comes to style my scale ranges from ambivalent to positive). The person maybe disappointed in my answer but probably would appreciate the honesty. Also, if others do not like it, the individual would have been prepared for this type of response. I think the most important point is if you are honest, your friend will always feel confident in coming back to you for your opinion. If I was to respond positively all the time regardless of if it was the truth or not, I am not so sure that person would come to me for open and honest advice. If they did ask my opinion in the future they really aren’t asking for it. Instead they are just looking for positive affirmation.

Is lying ever acceptable? I don’t think so and that’s the best answer I can give. I can only speak from my perspective because I don’t ever want someone to lie to me. While the truth may hurt sometimes, I feel I am better off knowing the truth than having my feelings spared for a few moments. Others might agree with my friend and believe there are times where a little white lie is okay. My feeling is there is no such situation where that would be true. To you the situation might be trivial but to the other person it may not. Even if it turns out, that it was trivial 99 out of 100 times, I do not want to find out what happens if I lied that one time.